Mapping retirement plans as a couple

When you envision your retirement, what does it look like? Are you playing golf? Traveling the world? Sitting in a recliner in front of the umpteenth season of "American Idol"? Still working? Perhaps most important, does your spouse share the same vision?

All of these questions are crucial as they'll help you map out exactly how much you need to save. But that last question seems to be the sticking point for a lot of people, at least according to a new study from Fidelity. Its research found that couples aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of these issues. For example:

• One-third of couples don't agree or don't know where they plan to retire.

• Two-thirds don't agree on their expected retirement ages.

• And nearly half don't agree on whether they'll continue to work in retirement.

This, as you can imagine, is a problem, particularly because Fidelity's survey focused on married couples, age 46 or older — in other words, many people who are right on the brink of retirement. Time is running out.

If you and your spouse aren't on the same page — or you haven't had these discussions at all — this is your wake-up call. It's never easy to talk about money, so I'm giving you some pointers below.

• Use the news as a doorway. Starting a tough conversation is generally the hardest part, and you might find that the words flow from there. So use current events (or even this column) as a segue. Kathleen Murphy, president of personal investing at Fidelity, says one of the most surprising things about the study was that the financial crisis we just lived through didn't generate more conversations. It was a missed opportunity, but one on which you can still capitalize.

If your spouse handles the finances, mention that you're interested in knowing how your accounts fared during the recession and how your retirement plans might need to be adjusted as a result. Turn that into a discussion about your hopes for retirement.

• Do a quick exercise. This comes by way of Rick Kahler, a financial planner who regularly hosts workshops to help couples talk about money: Take some time, independently, to write down what a typical day in retirement looks like for you, then compare what you've each written.

"If they're vastly different, it's time to talk a little more," says Kahler.

Pinpoint your differences and talk about what's behind them. Maybe he wants to live on the beach, but you want to stay put. But what does living on the beach mean for him? Relaxation? Seclusion? And what does staying in your current home mean for you? Once you have your answers, see how you might produce those feelings through a lifestyle that meets both of your needs.

• Compromise. One of the bigger issues uncovered by the Fidelity study was differences in investment style: Women tend to have a lower risk tolerance, and therefore like to invest less aggressively than men.

In most cases, the easiest solution is to find some middle ground, choosing an investment mixture based on your age, your retirement plans (namely, how long and whether you'll continue to work) and your combined ability to take risk.

• Split the work. Only 17 percent of the couples in the Fidelity survey were completely confident that either spouse is prepared to assume responsibility of their joint finances if necessary. To me that means that in a lot of cases, one spouse is handling the money, while the other has his or her head in the sand.

If having one spouse take the lead on finances is a system that works for you, that's OK, but the other partner needs to at least know what's going on.

"I would get concerned with a spouse who seemed to be deferring entirely, or completely detached from the portfolio, or ignoring what's going on," says Kahler.

One solution is to have monthly money chats, used to update each other on the status of your savings efforts and to revisit your goals.

• Enlist some outside help. If all else fails, and you've hit a roadblock, a financial planner can serve as a middleman. Find one who charges by the hour or plan (as opposed to a commission) through NAPFA.org and acaplanners.org.