LIFE NOTES: Raising resilient children

By: Stacy Hawkins Adams | Times-Dispatch
Published: February 07, 2010

No matter how much you support and protect your children, at some point they will face stress or pressure. Whether it's a family crisis, school issue or an emotional or physical condition, children and young adults can benefit from learning coping strategies that help them succeed.

Robert Brooks, a renowned psychologist whose expertise is helping children thrive, will share that message during an appearance at the Children's Museum of Richmond being sponsored by Commonwealth Parenting.

Brooks is the author of several child-focused books, including "Raising Resilient Children" and "The Self-Esteem Teacher." He will discuss the power of resiliency.

"Being resilient is the ability to bounce back and cope effectively with challenges and adverse circumstances," said Brooks, who counsels families and children through his private Boston-area practice and serves on the faculty of Harvard Medical School. "My books are not just about kids who are having significant difficulties. The more all kids can have [a resilient] outlook, it will help them lead more productive and happy lives."

Brooks will advise parents during his talk to foster independent, critical thinking in their children so they can handle tough issues, whenever they arise.

"When you rush in to rescue them all the time, the message you're giving them is, 'We don't think you can handle things.'"

Here are a few practices he suggests parents adopt, to ensure that their children have what he calls the "resilient mindset:"

•Be an influential, charismatic adult in your child's life. "When you ask adults who have overcome great adversity and are doing very well how they did it, the number one answer is, 'There was at least one person who believed in me and stood by me.' One of the things I say to parents and teachers is to ask yourself, is your child gathering strength from you? Charismatic adults never minimize a child's problems, they always look for the strengths in kids."

•Honor your child's strengths. "Every child, adolescent and adult has islands of competency, or areas of strength. Even if a child is having problems . . . we have to make certain we are honoring their strengths and really reinforce them. In one family I know, the father loved sports but the kid loved art. The father signed himself and his son up for an art class at a local museum. What that says to the child is, 'I really respect who you are.'"

•Teach your child problem-solving skills. "If problems come up, you say to your child, 'What are some things you could do differently next time?' Help them see that they have some control over their own lives."

•Encourage optimism. "A key characteristic of resilient people of all ages is that they don't blame others and they don't blame themselves. They're always asking, 'What can I do differently to solve this?'"

"Regardless of where I go, there are some key, core issues that parents face," said Brooks, who has two adult sons and four grandchildren. "I try to leave people with a number of very specific things they can immediately apply."

Stacy Hawkins Adams is a Chesterfield County-based novelist, professional speaker and freelance writer. She's also a wife and mom, with a son and daughter ages 8 and 11. She can be contacted at stacy@stacyhawkinsadams.com.