Life Notes: Helping a child cope with a loved one's suicide

Shirley Ramsey was 8 when her mother killed herself, and for the longest time, Ramsey believed she was to blame.

Years later, having grappled with the deaths of four other relatives by suicide, including her 16-year-old son, Jackson, just last year, Ramsey has come to understand the importance of talking openly with children affected by suicide.

"For a long time I felt abandoned and unloved; I wondered why my mother left me," said Ramsey, a Henrico County resident and retired elementary school counselor.

Decades later, she has accepted that her mother didn't intentionally make that choice.

"Suicide is a form of mental illness," Ramsey said.

Parents and caregivers should avoid saying a person "committed suicide" when discussing death in this manner with a child and others, Ramsey said.

"That person 'died by suicide' — (he or she) didn't do this act with a rational mind," said Ramsey, who in addition to her mother and son, lost an uncle, nephew and maternal grandmother to suicide. "It's a tragic end to a disease of the brain."

Research conducted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention indicates that 90 percent of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death. It is often an unrecognized or untreated form of depression.

Ramsey also encourages parents not worry that telling a child the truth will lead that child to consider suicide.

"That's the fear, that they'll want to do it, too," she said. "Instead, if they know right away what's going on, you can teach them how to be conscious of their (moods and needs) and how to take care of themselves."

When sharing the truth, however, Ramsey advises parents to do so in an age-appropriate manner, understanding that just as adults grieve, so do children.

"When you talk to children about death, you have to explain the finality of it," she said. "Don't offer too much information, but as they ask, answer honestly."

Ramsey offered this script: "Tell them, 'He died by suicide, which means he killed himself. This is a tragic thing that happens when people haven't (sought) treatment or their treatment hasn't worked. His mind wasn't working clearly or he wasn't able to find the help he needed. He didn't do it to leave anyone.'"

It is also critical for parents or caregivers to help children overcome shame that might arise after a loved one's death. If their friends or classmates question them, Ramsey said, "Help your child say, 'My dad was very sick. It wasn't anybody's fault. He had a medical condition.' "

If possible, allow that child to attend the funeral or formally say goodbye to the loved one, said Ramsey, who wasn't given that opportunity when her mother died.

"It's important to help children memorialize that person," she said.

Ramsey took that route after her son's suicide and communicated openly with Jackson's high school friends about his death and their grief. She allowed any teen who needed answers to come to her home and read the goodbye notes Jackson left behind, indicating that he felt mentally ill and suffered from maddening thoughts.

"They understood he was sick," Ramsey said. "It helped me to watch how it helped the kids."

When Ramsey discovered last October that a local chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention would be hosting a fundraising walk in Richmond, she rallied 150 supporters to join her in Jackson's memory.

Her team will walk again this year. The Richmond walk is Oct. 29 at Deep Run Park in Henrico County.

"I want people to come and support those who have had a loved one die by suicide or know someone who has considered it," Ramsey said. "It's very important for people to give each other support."