The Shameful Decline of Shame

Once, many years ago, a young student was working on a biology project in the science lab of a small Catholic high school. And because she was chatting with friends and inattentive to the work at hand, she dropped a beaker of solution that shattered on the countertop. Not surprisingly, but most inexcusably, a four-letter word that belonged in a barnyard flew out of this 16-year-old's mouth.

Quite understandably, the good nun who was teaching the class was perturbed. She called that student to the front of the classroom and, in front of all, admonished her by saying, "That word is most disgraceful and unladylike. No one wants that on their shoe and you are allowing it in your mouth." It was one of the most mortifying moments of that young woman's life. I wish it could be said that she never cursed again (she did after all, spend a career in the Navy), but I can assure you she never did so anywhere near a member of the clergy.

Webster's New World College Dictionary defines shame as a painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of the improper behavior, incompetence, etc. of oneself or another; or as a dishonor or disgrace.

In 2008, then-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was caught fooling around on his wife with a high-priced escort named Ashley Dupre. As a result of that affair, Spitzer did resign as governor, but he has rebounded well. Today he writes a column for Slate magazine, is teaching a law course at City College of New York, and has appeared on TV talks shows. And Ashley Dupre? The infamous call girl is now writing an advice column for the New York Post.

Not to be outdone, Spitzer's replacement, David Paterson, quickly admitted to numerous affairs -- as well as marijuana and cocaine use -- within a week of being sworn in as governor.

Mark Sanford's extramarital affair became public knowledge in early 2009. The South Carolina governor's dalliance with his sultry soul mate became public knowledge after he left town, leaving no contact information with his office. Apparently he had forgotten that he was actually hooking up in the Andes instead of hiking in the Appalachians as he had informed his staff.

But rather than resign with whatever shred of dignity he had left, the good governor brazenly addressed the citizens of South Carolina and the entire nation in a bizarre news conference that involved tears, true confessions, and apologies to nearly everyone he ever met. He opted to remain as governor and his reasons for doing so are detailed in an odd, rambling letter on his Web site.

Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan have all gotten rich (or richer) from behaving like tramps. As we are treated to an unending series of newscasts on their panty-free nights out, their homemade sex tapes, and trashy photography shoots, the media glorify these women for being nothing more than what Americans once referred to as sluts.

Even outside the steamy world of celebrity sex-capades, shame has become an outmoded concept. Being judgmental or critical of actions that were just a few short decades ago considered immoral or wrong is now considered the most socially damning activity anyone could engage in.

An acquaintance lost her job several months ago. She was heartbroken -- until she realized that between unemployment compensation and the money she saved on child care, she was actually better off financially. Now she is in absolutely no hurry to find new employment. She's enjoying the time at home with her kids. Do we have the right to criticize? Don't the taxpayers who are funding her new career as homemaker and full-time mom have the right to resent her choices? What if we all decided to stay home and collect unemployment?

No longer is there any shame in staying on welfare or having a child out of wedlock. There is no shame in being just a mediocre student in school. Elbows on the dinner table and interrupting are accepted. We can talk and text in the movies -- and screaming at someone in public is OK. We put up with crude, even filthy, language on the radio, in music, and more and more on television. That long-ago four-letter word uttered by a 16-year-old is heard everywhere, every day.

We teach our kids that self-esteem is something entitled simply because one exists. We tell children that they are all great kids and they deserve to be appreciated just the way they are. (Which is a real head-scratcher, because anyone who has raised children knows that most kids are not born saints.)

Perhaps a little old-fashioned shame could serve us well. This is not to advocate a return to the harsh judgments of yesteryear. No one wants to see someone tarred and feathered for making poor choices or behaving badly -- but perhaps just a wee touch of accountability could have some positive effects.

What's wrong with shaking one's head or uttering a well-placed, "tsk, tsk," or even telling someone you don't want to hear bad language? Edmund Burke wrote: "While shame keeps watch virtue is not wholly extinguished from the heart, nor will moderation be utterly exiled from the mind of tyrants."

Since we don't have the great number of good sisters around anymore to chastise our bad behavior, perhaps it is up to us to start acting like grown-ups and demand better behavior from our politicians, our celebrities, and even ourselves.

Contact Robin Beres at (804) 649-6305 or mberes@timesdispatch.com.