How do LGBT people fare in the area?

Editor's Note: Politics has put sexual orientation in the spotlight this year.

The Richmond Times-Dispatch decided to take a closer look at the effect of those actions, inviting 10 people to talk about what it's like to live in the Richmond area as a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person.

Health care

Cricket White, moderator: The Times-Dispatch is interested in lifting up, for everyone's awareness, not only a point of view around the political issues today, but what it's like to live in Richmond as a LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender). What is your daily life like in general? And what are your challenges? There's a whole piece that has to do with medical emergencies. There certainly is a piece about being open, being out and the joy of being able to be in same-sex marriages, as well as the concern for those who don't feel safe to do that. And then [there's] the political piece.

First, I want to hear about the concerns. As they relate to medical issues, a lot of straight people have no idea what that really means. Because if it's an acceptable marriage in the eye of the law, it doesn't even occur to you that you won't be able to be there beside your significant other, your spouse, to take care of them, to hold their hand at the last minute. [This conversation took place before Thursday's memo from President Barack Obama mandating rules for almost all hospitals to honor advance medical directives and to allow patients to designate visitors.]

Kelly Stern: The reason I ended up getting a medical power of attorney for my partner and I was because he ended up with a staph infection and had to have surgery. And of course he's all hopped up on drugs, and I can't get a direct answer out of him. And they would not give me information or talk to me until I had my lawyer, who did a wonderful job, and I mean within 24 hours, he was over there. Some of the nurses were nice enough to sign off as witnesses so that I could get in there and actually talk to the doctor. And it was just like, "Geez, I've got to get through all of this, come up with even more money on top of the medical bills."

Cathy Vaughn: We keep in our car advance medical directives so that if we're in a car accident, we have it, because laws vary from state to state. And certainly in Virginia, we would need the same paperwork if something were to happen. Fortunately, we've never had to use it so far.

And my family is not particularly supportive of our relationship. I didn't want to be in a situation where Katie wouldn't have a voice if we needed that.

Kathryn Fessler: After the referendum on the constitutional amendment in 2006, we weren't even sure for a while whether the directives were worth the paper they were written on, because there was this vague language around anything that approximates or purports to be like marriage is banned for people of the same sex. I think that there have been subsequent opinions that a basic medical directive would probably not be questioned. Here again, it's going to be in a moment of stress when you have to test it out.

Judd Proctor: The prohibition on marriage in Virginia, that constitutional amendment opens up people to challenge. If you died, your families can challenge now and say, "Well, those protections are not valid." And if they want to swoop in and get assets or anything. And it hasn't happened yet, but it could.

The other thing about health, Brian can't get on my health-insurance plan with Henrico County schools. If I was teaching full time and he got sick, I couldn't take sick leave to care for him. If, for some reason, he died, I wouldn't have bereavement leave. And if Brian didn't fill out a legal form, his next of kin could take possession of his body, and I'd have no legal recourse. That's just one more legal issue we have to tend to in advance, since our marriage isn't legally recognized in Virginia.

Vaughan Gary Jr.: I hear these things, and it's very upsetting to me. Because it's almost like Rick and I must live in another state or another place, because we have never had any of this. First of all, I've had complete medical coverage through his [work] at Barnes & Noble. We've had a lawyer make up all of our power of attorney and everything. When we've gone to the emergency room, we've both gone back together. And we've never had any kind of problem with this.

Cathy Vaughn: The issue is, it's just by luck. You're at the mercy of someone's good will.

Other legal issues

Fessler: There are also concerns of tax supports that are available to married couples that we don't enjoy, including sheltering from inheritance taxes. It's cheaper to be married in this country than to be single.

It's been interesting helping to raise two daughters with Cathy and the kids' two other parents. We have a really equitable and friendly arrangement between the two sets of parents and around the two girls and their college arrangements. There's a little bit of an irony in the fact that I'm helping to send our daughters to college, whom I love. And I would do that in a heartbeat, no matter what. But [we have] none of the tax breaks that married couples and families have.

My understanding of those statutes historically is that they're about the stability of the family unit as a building block of a stable society. And I look at us and our life and I don't feel that we're contributing less stably to the well-being of our community, or that we're, in some way, inferior in what we're presenting.

Jon Henry: (in a follow-up e-mail) There seems to be a bit of a generational gap. I've noticed in my activism with youth/college persons that [marriage] is not a major concern, nor is medical rights or inheritance ideas. Instead, it is more on just social acceptance and nondiscrimination policies. Marriage in some of the youth activist circles I've been through is considered the lowest priority or not even a priority. This is part of the so-called radical queer movement that wants all marriage gone because of its heterosexism, sexist and classist values. But that is another story.

Challenges in college

Henry: Our biggest initiative right now is getting gender identity and gender expression into our nondiscrimination policy. We already have sexual orientation, we already have same-sex partner benefits as a private institution. So it's kind of easy sailing there. So we're trying to really be a little bit more proactive and include gender identity and gender expression. Our major focus right now is, I would think, to get people at least [to] be out to themselves.

Jamaica Akande: There are so many people in the LGBT community. And they're just not out. We think it's because, like, you have parents at home that maybe would not pay for them to go to college, or some feel so they'll be ostracized from their sports teams. It's really hard, because the facts are that youth are coming out at earlier and earlier ages now. There's a support network on campus through SASD, Student Alliance for Sexual Diversity. And then we have Common Ground, which is like a diversity initiative on campus. But it's hard when the students can't even come out to themselves in order to come out to their community.

Henry: We're helping relaunch a Safe Zone, training people to be safe to come out to. It basically is a training program for faculty, staff and students to learn about how to be good allies/supporters. Afterwards, people put up a sticker (and eventually a Web site will list them). It is kinda cool to walk around or go to office hours and see a professor's door having the sticker. And then we started a new peer support group in January. It's called Ice Breakers. And we're hoping that will help a lot more.

Proctor: University of Richmond has made great strides. I'm an alumni there, of Class of'72. And way back at those times, Anita Bryant appear[ed] there on her "Save Our Children" campaign. But then, after years passed by, part of the AIDS Quilt was displayed there. And that's when things started changing. And it's just getting better for students there. I think they hired at least three full-time people that are working on diversity, not just LGBT, but all diversity at the university. And that's a win-win.

Apryl Prentiss: [At Virginia Commonwealth University] there are a lot of openly gay, lesbian [people]. There's a transgender faculty at VCU. There's several different student organizations. We just had the big protest rally against [Attorney General Ken] Cuccinelli. That was really well-attended. I think I've never felt any kind of discrimination at VCU.

White: What do you mean when you use the term gender expression? Why can't people just be who they are?

Henry: Well, that's sort of what we want, letting people be who they are. Because with gender expression, it allows you to express your gender and, like, not be judged and put into a box based on someone else's idea of what gender is. Historically a lot of people used to be like, "Women shouldn't be allowed to wear pants." See how that worked out. (LAUGHTER) I love giving this talk, actually, at school. And I'm like, "All the women in here are wearing pants today. I don't know what that means. But we're sort of breaking an old gender norm." And it's just being allowed to express your gender in, like, a way that's comfortable and allowable and not really offensive in any way.

Akande: Like my gender expression is more male, but I definitely consider myself a lesbian. I'm not transgender. I shouldn't get discriminated against because I wear a male suit instead of a female pantsuit. Because I know at Lobby Day, when I met with all the delegates and senators, I wore a male's pantsuit. And it was fine. I just feel like that's something that needs to be protected. Because if not, then we're just allowing discrimination to take place.

Education for allies

White: For people who want to be allies, who say, "It's just wrong to discriminate this way," what are things that could be helpful? How do you equip that person?

Prentiss: You have to educate them. I'll be talking to religious leaders who have a great heart towards gay people. But they'll use words like the phrase, "Love the sinner, hate the sin." We hate that. (LAUGHTER) Or [they] would refer to my lifestyle or my choice of lifestyle. And I would say, "You need to stop saying that around gay people, because it's not a lifestyle."

Fessler: It's a life.

Prentiss: My lifestyle is the same thing as your lifestyle.

Fessler: Lifestyle is what kind of car you drive.

Prentiss: Sedentary or active. That's a lifestyle. Sexuality does not define my life, nor does it define hers. And [the pastor] was like, "Oh, that's really great to know, so don't say, 'lifestyle.'" He was, like, writing it down. People don't understand that when you're saying these things that have been taught to you as rhetoric, that they're, No. 1, untrue, No. 2, offensive.

Fessler: Language is so important.

There was a corporate executive someplace where I used to work, and we were chit-chatting. And he asked me if I'm married. And I said, "I have a partner. Her name's Cathy." And instead of freaking out or blanching or diving under the table, he did a really great thing. He said, "Let me ask you a question." I said, "Absolutely."

And he said, "Are we not supposed to ask people anymore if they're married? Have we gotten to a place where, in the workplace, we're not supposed to be curious?" And I said, "Some people might assert that. I actually think the opposite is true, that people do their best work when they're whole people. What we can do is make really conscious choices about our use of language."

And he said, "Help me understand. What should I say?" And I just love this guy for being so curious and real and open and not afraid. And I said, "You could choose to ask, 'Do you have a spouse or a partner?' You'll invite the person a step closer to you instead of throwing up one of these automatic barriers, never meaning to do so."

Proctor: And research shows that people who want to give us rights, they're people that know gay and lesbian people. They might be in their family, might work with them. Research shows that the more people that know gay and lesbian people, transgender, bisexual people, the more positive things happen for rights for everyone.

Stern: Well, my office is a small office. For the first year, there was like, "Ooh, let's tiptoe around this issue." I threw a Christmas party, invited all my co-workers, invited my friends and said, "Come into my house and see that my house is a home." It's got pictures on the walls. The Christmas tree is still green. It was amazing the cross-section of people we had in there: gay, straight, married, divorced, going through divorce, everything. Give a bunch of people a few cocktails, then everybody becomes nice. And they open up. And it's great.

When I go out on meetings and business calls, I don't get up there and wave the flag and stand on a pink triangle. But if they ask [about the weekend], "Just my partner and I, we spent the weekend landscaping." Or stuff like that. And if they're interested and want to know more details, they'll ask. But sometimes they just let it go and talk business.

Political impact

White: We know that the political piece is out there. And we want to say something about it. We wanted to humanize for those people who don't know they know LGBT people, to understand our shared humanity every day, all the time. But there's a political piece out there. It's serious and scary.

Brian Burns: It sort of feels like we're revisiting the Bush years to me. Because there's more political people that are basically vilifying gays. And sometimes for their own political gain.

Kevin Clay: While these extremist point of views that we're seeing are very oppressive, I think ultimately, for the community as a whole, it's done some good in bringing people together. You look at VCU, that rally --

Prentiss: It was awesome.

Clay: I have never seen people march to the Capitol building like that. I mean, ultimately, it's going to bring more awareness. And these politicians are going to be held accountable for what they're saying. And there were a lot of straight allies that day, too.

Burns: And we haven't seen that.

Fessler: Well, specific of straight allies, there have been some moments of real leadership. And I think of Senator [Donald] McEachin, Delegate [Jennifer] McClellan and some of the other leaders. We've clearly established now, through this dialogue, that this is a matter of changing of laws. And we've all learned, if we didn't know before, that that's the purview of the legislature. And what was great to see was some wind in the sails of some of the legislators who tried to put new legislation on the table.

I really see the missed opportunity at the level of the statewide leadership. I think that every state that purports to be good at economic development, which Virginia is very good at economic development, and any state leader who purports to be a leader of a jobs-building movement ought to want to promote those aspects of his or her jurisdiction that make it attractive to the brightest, the most creative, the most competitive people. Not all of them are going to be straight.

Stern: Virginia has gotten some bad press, just basically as a state, because of this. And that might affect companies deciding where they want to move.

Fessler: Northrop Grumman.

Stern: Because they have a very high gay-friendly rating. So that could easily go across the Potomac. And that's millions of dollars.

Stern: Two things. I think . . . we do not only boycott but [also] support those businesses that do favor us, whether it's restaurants or whatever it is.

And second, going back to letting people know, I just moved over to the Near West End. And the first thing I did is, I bought a new flagpole and a 3-by-5 rainbow flag, and I stuck it on the front of the house so that people when they walk by see that flag, and they say, "Hi," and they say, "Welcome to the neighborhood." It makes you feel good. It lets them know that, "Hey, these guys might not be so bad."