Hinkle: A field guide to the presidential candidates of North America

Introduction

Welcome to the exciting world of candidate-watching! Observing presidential candidates in the wild is a great hobby for people of all ages. It is informative, inexpensive, easy and fun. Anybody can do it — starting today, without any special equipment, from the comfort of home. This guide will show you how. For those more experienced in the art and science of pol-watching, this guide will help broaden and deepen your experience.

Let's get started!

Finding Candidates

Little effort is required to find a presidential candidate; there are always a few lurking about, and in the months leading up to primary season they seem to be everywhere. Some of them, hungry for money or attention, may actually seek you out, and certain of the more persistent varieties have been declared a nuisance. Be advised, however, that it is against federal law to slaughter them, even if they wander onto your property.

Range

While presidential candidates can be found in every state of the Union, they follow a distinct migratory pattern. Concentrations may be found in Iowa and New Hampshire during the summer months. Thereafter you are most likely to encounter them in the coastal areas, the Michigan-Ohio region, and the Southeastern quadrant of the continental U.S.

Habitat

As undiscriminating scavengers, presidential candidates are most likely to be found wherever there is food. If you do not see any at the state-fair midway or the local rescue squad's pancake fundraiser, seek out the nearest country club and inquire as to whether it is hosting a $5,000-per-plate dinner. If yes, you are sure to find a presidential candidate there.

Behavior

The presidential candidate is a gregarious creature and, unless provoked, will not generally attack humans who are alone or in small groups. The exception is the height of the campaign season, when a candidate is likely to strike without provocation — a behavior experienced pol-watchers call going negative.

They are known for their complex vocalizations, which often bear an eerie similarity to human speech patterns. Some of the more prodigious vocalizers have been known to "talk" for hours nonstop. Yet although many candidates can learn tricks and enjoy performing them, they lack higher-order intelligence and are incapable of problem-solving.

Social Structure

Presidential candidates live in large groups called parties. These are generally classified as either Democrat or Republican, although smaller parties also exist. The presidential candidate stands at the apex of its party's social order, and its fortunes often rise or fall with him. Weak candidates are shunned and replaced. Strong candidates have been known to lead a party out of the wilderness.

As social animals, presidential candidates display powerful in-group/out-group behavior and have strong herding tendencies. They reward loyalty and have been known to retaliate for perceived disloyalty — often many weeks or months afterward.

Appearance

Presidential candidates bear a close resemblance to other politicians and cannot usually be identified by physical characteristics alone. Males are generally blue or gray, and typically have a red stripe running down the chest. Females sometimes sport brighter colors, although this is not always the case. In the summer months the male may shed his coat and roll up his sleeves before mounting a hay bale to vocalize.

Breeding

A few candidates have some.

Varieties

Here are some of the more common presidential candidates you are likely to encounter:

The Texas Sunbittern (Perricus Ricketus): Often and understandably confused with the Crawford Bushhawk, the Texas Sunbittern is a strutting raptor with dark, helmet-like plumage and a piercing gaze. Merciless hunting by attack dogs from other parties and the national press has honed its instinct for self-preservation — a vivid demonstration of the very Darwinian evolution the Sunbittern has disparaged.

The Minnesota Shrew (Bachmannicus Michelicus): This gaffe-prone little creature may be camera-friendly, but don't be fooled: It is not quite so cuddly as you might think. It has a mercurial temperament and is prone to lash out in unexpected ways. While its demeanor conveys rugged independence, its behavior in the wild reveals some vestigial parasitism.

The Silver-Maned Blowhard (Ginrichicus Newtonicus): Once thought extinct, the blowhard surprised the scientific community when it suddenly appeared at an August debate. May latch onto your lapel and gabble about the arc of history or some such. Although reputed to abhor the political environment, cannot survive outside it.

The Wild-Eyed Nuthatch (Paulicus Ronicus): An object of intense devotion among some campaign-watchers and morbid fascination to others, the nuthatch loves nothing better than to weave loose strands of political theory into a comfortable cocoon that is impervious to the elements of reality.

The Barking Jackalope (Cainicus Hermanicus): Dramatic and quick over short distances, the barking jackalope is entertaining to watch in a sprint on account of its having two left feet. But over any distance in the open, it proves easy prey.

The Pocket Gopher (Romneycus Mitticus, Huntsmanicus Jonicus): This patrician-looking creature has a chameleon-like ability to melt into its surroundings; it is equally comfortable in the corporate boardroom or the faculty lounge. Thought to be the only existing mammalian invertebrate.

The Bombinating Two-Faced Skunk (Obamicus Barackus): This wily and cunning predator seduces its prey with a mellifluous call that mimicks the victim; it then wheels about and devours it. In captivity, it will bit the hand that feeds it. Despite its high position in the ecosystem the bombinating skunk relies on the group for sustenance, as it is incapable of surviving on its own. Leaves a stink in its wake that lingers, sometimes for years.