Schapiro: McDonnell's nightmare before Christmas

'Twas a week before Christmas, and all across Capitol Square

Not a soul was stirring — not even Daniel Day-Lewis was there.

At the governor's mansion, Bob's droopy vice presidential stocking was hung with care

Confident — maybe, kinda — that St. Mitt soon would be there.

In the House, snarky Howell's enlarged majority looked to the new year

While the tinny whine of a soundly drubbed Armstrong faded in their ear.

And a grinning Norment in the Senate, with a jolly Bolling chuckling at his side

Had learned that elf McEachin's crapshoot in the courts for power-sharing had just died.

When down at the attorney general's office arose such a clatter

Little Bob and Big Bill sprang to their feet to see what was the matter.

They hustled to the chief job-creator's office in a hurry

Because the view there of the AG's office was better — the sight lines less blurry.

Across the snow-coated grounds stirred a fast-growing crowd

That became agitated and excited in response to something very loud.

When Bob's and Bill's wondering eyes suddenly did pooch

A fellow Republican borne aloft by the throng — their rival named Cooch.

With his lean frame, piercing eyes and smile resplendent

McDonnell and Bolling knew straight away this was no ordinary Kenneth.

Speedier than Twitter, quicker than a fax, he spat out the issues

As the people around him clapped.

"Guns — happiness is a warm one! Gay rights — I say, forget it! Global warming's a fraud! Obama and the socialists are out to get us!

Pornography's for weirdoes! Abortion unholy! Property rights are boundless! Take it from me, Cuccinelli!"

Then, Ken leapt from the shoulders of his adoring supporters.

Then, they snapped to attention like soldiers awaiting orders.

Cuccinelli greeted each one warmly, as if a brother.

He spoke softly to one before turning to the other.

Next, Ken bellowed in a voice that alarmed Bob and Bill.

It was clear he'd implored his peeps to storm the hill.

As McDonnell and Bolling turned to escape the tea-party herd,

Suddenly at the door stood Cuccinelli in cowboy boots, uttering just one word.

"Liberty," he intoned, "that's what it's about!

"Freedom from all taxes and red tape, I do shout!

"It's the government that's too big, too costly, too nosy.

"It's the career politicians who, with big business, are too cozy.

"It's fellows like you," Cuccinelli thundered at Bob and his buddy,

"Who compromise on principle, and do so in a hurry.

"We're taking back Mr. Jefferson's Capitol.

"You've sullied his temple.

"It's time for real change; real conservatism is our staple!"

What happened next is a blur — Bolling recalls little.

Republicans picked Cuccinelli for governor, with Bolling they'd not fiddle.

The grass roots stuck it to Bob, too — his preference for Bill meant bupkis.

Never mind, McDonnell's warning, "Ken, like Sampson with the Philistines, will bring the party down on us."

This was great news for Democrats, or so they did think.

With Cuccinelli atop the GOP ticket, they could throw everything at him — even the kitchen sink.

Democrats concluded a retread could lead the party.

McAuliffe was ready, and the race he'd make hearty.

But a Warner named Mark had another thought:

"Run for governor again — you should, you ought.

"Life as a senator stinks.

"It's better being No. 1 than a member of the Gang of Six."

All of sudden, McDonnell — sweaty and shaking — sat bolt upright in bed.

As Maureen snoozed sweetly, he realized a Yuletide fantasy had rattled his head.

Far worse than his jury-rigged budget — the worst of all dreams: a Democratic win, a diabolical scheme.

Then a knock at the door brought our governor to his feet.

"Who," he thought, "who could that be?"

As he opened the door, a familiar head suddenly poked in.

It was Ken Cuccinelli — grinning. Bob's Christmas nightmare was about to begin.