The Constitution According to President Barack Obama
Published: May 19, 2009
Article I
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, at least for the sake of appearances. Article II
Section 1
The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America.
Section 2
Woe betide any Person who dare suggest the preceding Section shall be interpreted to mean "the limited Power to carry out the Laws passed by Congress" and not "the unbounded Prerogative to do whastoever the Current Holder of the Executive Office may please."
Section 3
The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States.
Any Citizen of the several States who professes by Word or Sign to believe in the concept of armed Citizen-Militias shall be deemed a Far-Right Extremist and potential Terrorist, reported to the Department of Homeland Security, placed on a Watch List, and subjected to Surveillance and Monitoring.
The President shall have the Power to hinder and obstruct Inquiries about federal Surveillance of the Citizenry by invoking the State Secrets Doctrine.
He shall have the Power to forestall Inquires about the State Secrets Doctrine by invoking the Double-Secret, Super-Duper Probation Doctrine.
The President shall have the Power to designate Alleged Enemy Combatants; to order their extraordinary Rendition to torture in Foreign Lands; to appoint Military Commissions and Combatant Status Review Tribunals for the Purpose of finding them Guilty; and to confine them without charge on Military Bases outside the contiguous territory of the Continental United States.
The President shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to appoint Judges of the supreme Court -- providing that same shall demonstrate fidelity to the well-known Empathy Clause elsewhere in this Constitution, and to the equally well-known and even more important Recognize-What-It's-Like-to-Be-a-Teenage-Mom Clause.
Section 4
Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated.
If he deem a Bill politically popular, but Injurious to his Plans and Designs, the President may append to it a Signing Statement identifying those portions of the Bill he intends to Execute according to his Oath, as well as those portions he intends to Ignore as befits his Whim.
Section 5
The President shall have the power to set wages and salaries in the banking industry.
He shall have the Power to Appoint an Automobile Czar to direct the Management of the American automobile Industry.
He shall have the Power to intercede in Bankruptcy proceedings, and to disregard existing Bankruptcy Law by granting unsecured Creditors in major U.S. automobile manufacturers precedence over secured creditors, the better to reward his political cronies in the UAW.
He shall have the Power to threaten secured Creditors that oppose such arrangments with Public Humiliation, by setting the lapdogs of the White House Press Corps upon them.
Section 6
The President shall have the power to distribute Federal Stimulus Money for the purpose of weatherizing the Homes of the Citizens against Leaks and Drafts, that their Domiciles may better ward off the Rayne and Snow, and retain within their Confines the Warmth of their Stoves and Hearths.
He shall have the Power to Decree Carbon-based Sources of Energy an Enemy of the People, and to direct his Agencies and Departments to discourage their Use, by various Incentives and Strategems.
He shall have the Power to reconfigure the nation's Health Care System, because nobody else is smart and wise enough to care for the Sick.
He shall have the Power to Instruct the Citizens as to the Type of Light Bulb that they shall purchase.
He shall have the Power to inform them as to the amount of Salt they should consume at Mealtimes.
He shall have the Power to dictate the average number of Miles per Gallon their Horseless Carriages should Attain, both within their Towns and Villages, and upon the nation's four-lane divided Concourses.
He shall have the Power to stipulate the number of Gallons of Water their Privvies may use to send their Bodily Wastes down to Cloacina.
He shall have the Power to, you know, "spread the wealth around."
He shall have the Power to Direct his Agencies and Commissions to Issue such Edicts and Commandments as may occur to him at diverse Times and Places for the people's Betterment and Own Good.
Section 7
This Document is subject to Change without Notice.
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
Contact A. Barton Hinkle at (804) 649-6627 or
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Reader Reactions
Mr. Porter,
Some of us are very aware of America’s shortcomings. We also realize there are many problems to overcome. Prioritizing those problems seems to be a divisive engagement, but the actions of the Obama administration in just 100+ a few days frightens those of us who have looked at history. It isn’t that we don’t want all the things you want. We just want to know how to pay for it and who will administer it. Time has shown that government is BY FAR the worst investment taxpayers can make. Obama has done exactly nothing to bolster our economy’s recovery…doubt that? Perhaps if you were a salesman like I who meets the public everyday, you’d realize nothing has happened. George Bush didn’t cause our economic problems, as you assert. There are a bunch of floks who are and have been featherbedding for a loonnnng time, called Democrats, and their programs have been major contributors (as in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and required lending to unqualified buyers in the name of equality). Greed is universal. It didn’t start with GWB. It didn’t end with him either, and, Thank God these “market corrections” take place from time to time; they remind us there is a middle ground. But there is a point where irreparable damage can be done, and Obama is there:
“The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of “liberalism,“ they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened.“
- Norman Thomas, U.S. Socialist Party presidential candidate 1940, 1944 and 1948
Jim Porter: Well, Jim, we were having a good time at Mr. Hinkle’s expense until you decided to take yourself too seriously. There should be common ground to agree on, but both parties seem intent upon turning us against each other—that’s my view. I’m giving the Administration a chance, but when they trot out tired policies of the past as ‘change we can believe in’ I speak up. Ok? You seem to be concerned about health care. Fine, me too. What’s the Administration’s plan? Don’t know? That’s because they don’t want to tell you because if you find out you won’t like it. You want national health insurance. You’ll get it, but you will have to pay higher taxes for it just like you are going to pay higher taxes for Social Security, cap & trade, ACORN, TARPS 1,2 & 3 (4?), the giveaway to the UAW via the Chrysler daylight robbery. You’ll also ‘pay’ through the inflation that is coming because what you pay in taxes won’t be enough so they will inflate the currency and make what’s left in your pocket worth less. It’s all been done before in the 30’s, the 60’s and the 70’s. It’s never worked and just because there’s a smooth talker making it sound ‘cool’ it won’t work now. Obama is not stupid. Neither are the Democrats. They know all this. Ask yourself, why do they nevertheless continue making the same mistakes. Hint: It’s not because they give a rip about you.
Another person with empty verbal attacks and no ideas for solutions! What do you propose to solve the problems of health care, future energy sources and global warming? I would love to hear an intelligent response to any of these issues. If you want to address the issues it would be a nice change to open up the dialogue of ideas and stop these useless criticisms.
As long as the GOP has been just as feminized as the Democrats and as long as squeamish Virginia Democrats such as Mark Warner and the author of a book called “Fighting Back” by the name of Jim Webb sit back and watch a faction bastardized our Constitution, more power to Hussein Obama for taking as many liberties against us Americans as he can.
Interesting that criticism is all you offer…if not Obama then me. Yet you avoid answering any of the questions I posed. Why is it you like to use weapons of mass distraction rather than addressing the issues. I don’t have any answers to his questions so I’ll attack him and avoid talking about what matters. Here is what I believe… everyone should be able to have health care no matter what their income…2 years ago I was in the hospital for 1 day and the bill was $125,000…if I did not have insurance it would have been a major financial burden…what about the guy who has lost and job and his insurance? There has to be some common ground we can agree upon. I believe a well educated youth will help make this country stronger both economically and socially. That their minds will bring about the energy solutions for the future. Have you forgotten the name? UNITED States of America! All I’m saying is we are in a lot of trouble and need to work together…if you just want to criticse me for that then I’m wasting my time even responding.
Bush should be in jail for not upholding the Constitution….if Obama’s not careful he may wind up the same cell for the same offense.
Now, Someguy, you shouldn’t expect Mr. Porter to be rational. He has partaken of the Obama Spring of Good Hope and he cannot tell a lie…..from the truth, if Obama says it. Like all good Obammer Cultists, he knows no reality and accepts the Pelosigrams and Washington Post stories as exalted fact. And Lord knows, he has NO patience with anyone who questions the Sainted Obammer (some call it a sense of humor….at least that’s what David Letterman calls it while he continues to rip GWB every night, even though George has been gone 4 months and hasn’t chosen to comment on Obama’s insanity). Sense of humor? Accept criticism? Now I know I’ll be on the Homeland Security watchlist…darned teaparty! And thanks, Dave. I agree. Bart should be careful, though. Mr. Porter will hunt him down and torture him with some Obammer speeches on an Ipod.
The purpose of my comment was only to point out that folks like you need to start coming up with a better argument for supporting Mr. Obama’s policies than just pointing out that he’s not GWB.
ex. “...I disagree with B. Obama’s policies.“ “Yeah…well…GW Bush was a jerk.“
You’re just going to have to do better than that. That was my point. I never claimed to have any answers or solutions.
bigbus: Pick on him? HE should run for President. How much more damage could he do?
somegeye,
I do support his policies! I’m looking at ways to improve the situation we are in now while saying those who have done wrong should be held accountable. You never said what you wanted for solutions to the problems. What are your ideas?
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