Elementary Civics Class: The Congressional Version

Trying to understand some perplexing political issues, I recently imagined a school civics lesson administered by two members of Congress. None of these events actually occurred, but I challenge anyone to explain to me how this is otherwise inaccurate.

. . .

"Boys and girls," a beaming young teacher called out. "In preparation for your school election this week, we are fortunate to have two distinguished members of the United States House of Representatives here to talk to you about how the political process works!"

The well-scrubbed children fairly jumped out of their chairs at the news, clapping, and fist-bumping.

Before them stood Congressman John Smyth (R) and Congresswoman Joan Smith (D).

Rep. Smyth smiled broadly, his impossibly white teeth contrasting against unnaturally tan skin. Rep. Smith also smiled, the corners of her mouth struggling to push upward into her doll-like face.

"Hi kids," Rep. Smyth began, slipping off his jacket to reveal already rolled-up shirt sleeves. "The American people want you to understand the political process."

Rep. Smith stood with her high-heeled feet set closely together at a 90-degree angle, and her hands lightly touching each other in front of her waist, like on a car commercial. "The children are our future," she said, her lips moving, but the rest of her face motionless. "So tell me about your election."

A bright-faced girl spoke up: "We have four classrooms, and each classroom will elect one person to represent them in our Student Congress. We are the candidates."

"So one boy and one girl is running from each class?" Rep. Smyth asked.

"Yes!" one boy shouted, the rest laughing. Several said they didn't even realize that coincidence.

"Wonderful," Rep. Smith said, Rep. Smyth nodding. "So you have a Girl Party and a Boy Party."

The laughter stopped, the kids perplexed. The teacher stepped forward. "The children don't have formal political parties."

"Of course they do!" Rep. Smyth jumped in. "You have four boys running against four girls. So you have a Boy Party and a Girl Party." The other politician interrupted. "So how are you dividing up the classrooms for the vote?"

The students' faces were blank, as if the politicians were speaking a different language. Which they were.

The teacher interjected. "The classrooms are divided up into -- uh -- classrooms. Each student is running to represent his or her classroom." The members of Congress burst into laughter. The congresswoman recovered to explain.

"If you don't redraw how the classrooms are organized, how will you know who is going to win?"

"It's the person who gets the most votes!" chirped a student, sure she knew the answer to that question.

"Of course it's the person who gets the most votes," the congressman shot back. "But if you hold a vote in the classrooms as they currently are drawn, then either candidate in each classroom could win!"

Confused silence.

Rep. Smith snorted and Rep. Smyth let out an exasperated sigh. Turning to the teacher, Rep. Smyth asked, "How many boys and how many girls in each classroom?"

"As it happens, they each have about the same number of girls and boys," the teacher replied.

"Great! Then this is what we do," said Rep. Smith, illustrating on the chalkboard. "We'll take half the girls in Classroom 1 and include them in Classroom 2's election. And we'll take half the boys in Classroom 2 and include them in Classroom 1's election. That way one classroom will have a majority of boys and the other will have a majority of girls. Then we'll do the same with Classrooms 3 and 4."

"But then they aren't real classrooms," a student objected tentatively.

"Of course they are!" the congressman nearly barked. "They're real if you say they're real!"

"But why would we do that?" another student asked, just as puzzled.

"So the boys in the new Classroom 1 can elect the Boy Party candidate and the girls in Classroom 2 can elect the Girl Party candidate," answered Rep. Smyth.

"But that means the girl candidates in Classrooms 1 and 3 will lose for sure!" cried the girls from Classrooms 1 and 3. "And we've got some great ideas about fixing the playground!"

The boys from Classrooms 2 and 4 looked just as alarmed. The congresspersons shrugged. "I'm not sure you understand the goal here," one finally replied.

"But how do you know the boys will vote for the boy candidate?" an apparent dullard asked.

"You mean the Boy Party candidate," the congressman said, irritated. "Once you explain that the Girl Party wants to mandate toenail painting and eliminate all football, the boys will vote for the Boy Party candidate."

"The girls don't want to do that!" a girl blurted.

"Of course you don't, dear," Congresswoman Smith said. "That's just a nasty lie by the Boy Party. But don't worry -- when the girls find out the boys are going to make underarm noises the new school song, they will vote en masse for the Girl Party candidate."

"That's a lie!" shouted a boy. "And besides, I'm not going to say the girls want to paint our toenails and get rid of football!"

"And I'm not going to say the boys want to make underarm noises our school song," a girl added. The rest of the horrified students nodded defiantly.

The two members of Congress exchanged smiles. "That's fine," the congresswoman replied, speaking to the boy. "But there are plenty of other boys who'd like to be in the Student Congress, and who will realize that standing up against the Girl Party's toenail painting and football banning will get them elected."

The congressman, addressing the girls, concurred. "And there are plenty of girls who will understand that to fight the Boy Party's underarm noises will get them elected."

"That means only the girls and boys who say mean things and lie will get elected!" a boy shouted. Now it was the two members of Congress who wore confused expressions.

"Well, I'm not doing it!" a girl exclaimed. "I'm not doing this politics thing anymore," and she stomped out of the classroom, the other children following.

The teacher, dumbfounded, stared at the two politicians. "Now what?" she finally stammered.

Reps. Smyth and Smith broke into blinding smiles.

"Don't worry, you'll be able to find candidates for the Boy and Girl parties," Rep. Smyth reassured the teacher.

"This is the way it is supposed to work," said Rep. Smith.

Chuck Hansen is a Midlothian-based writer, speaker, and humorist, and author of "Build Your Castles in the Air: Thoreau's Inspiring Advice for Success in Business (and Life) in the 21st Century." He can be reached at or through his Web site http://www.chuckhansen.com.