Miss Conduct’s Mind Over Manners: Master the Slippery Rules of Modern Ethics

NONFICTION
Navigating one's way in contemporary society is no longer merely a question of knowing which fork to use. Rather, as Robin Abrahams persuasively reports in "Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners," it is knowing how to cope with "the dilemmas that live in the gray area between ethics and protocol."

Abrahams, who has a doctorate in psychology, is the "Miss Conduct" columnist for the Boston Globe Magazine. Witty as well as perceptive, she keeps the tone agreeably light as she dispenses practical advice on social interaction in an increasingly diverse and fragmented society.

The chapters deal with old as well as new situations, but complicating matters are the moral questions that must also be addressed. Tackling first that most loaded of issues, food, she advises how to deal with yours and others' food allergies, religious and ethical dietary restrictions. Buffets with food clearly labeled may be best when guests have a range of food restrictions, but guests too must adjust to accepting "a less than optimal dining experience for the sake of fellowship."

Continuing this mix of good sense and social commentary, she addresses the etiquette of money (an "especially difficult terrain" because of "the disjunct between the very personal value of money and our culture's money mania."

In "Happy Holidays," she suggests finding common ground wherever possible and that holiday traditions should not be a "straitjacket -- instead they should be more like a really great pair of black trousers -- that goes with everything and with which you can be creative."

In another section, she addresses gender -- whether to hold the door or not for a woman, calling women guys or dude (her advice: don't get in a snit) and the biggest, what to call that special someone in a relationship.

As she deals with children, health issues and our pets, she discusses both the changes in popular attitudes and the historical as well as psychological reasons for our behavior. She also wryly observes that "putting up with a certain amount of boredom gracefully is one of the responsibilities of a well-conducted life."

In conclusion, she outlines thoughtful principles for surviving in our anxious age -- principles that reflect the golden rule, but also suggest appropriate behavior in complex situations: "Wear your ignorance gracefully," and accept that making mistakes is inevitable.

All this is sensible counsel and etiquette for survival in our post-Emily times.

Judith Chettle is a Richmond-based book reviewer and writer.