When you disagree, try silence for civility’s sake

My mother had a saying, common to her generation, that she taught me:

"If you can't think of anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

She pulled me up short more than once, leaning near to whisper this in my ear.

It can be great fun, can't it, being snide, sarcastic and negative? But such behavior creates unnecessary conflict and doesn't contribute to civility in general.

I have come to believe that Mom's advice fits the bill most of the time. I understand there are some situations where nothing nice can be said honestly and that silence sends the wrong message.

I also know this advice may be the product of a bygone era and may come across as trite and simplistic. Regardless, I have discovered that it still applies, and when I follow it, there are some very positive consequences.

First, not saying anything creates some space. It helps you calm down. When you are overwhelmed by negativity and tempted to lash out, lapsing into silence can defuse the situation. An angry retort only can escalate tensions.

Second, in the silence you genuinely can look for something nice or positive to say. This helps you seek common ground and contributes to mutual respect.

In our nation, you are innocent until proven guilty. We do well to assume the best of someone with whom we disagree until proven otherwise. Taking a moment and looking for the positive helps us to do this. Who knows? You might gain insights or even change your mind. Certainly, it makes for better relationships.

I have been thinking about my mother's advice lately as I follow the news on health-care reform.

On one hand, I am glad that health care is a topic of concern. Having seen both of my parents go through terminal illnesses, I know the issue is profoundly personal and touches us deeply. We are passionate about it, and it is a good thing that our elected leaders are reaching out to their constituencies to bring us into the conversation.

On the other hand, we are having a hard time talking to one another. Part of the problem is that too many people simply are venting, impugning the motives of others, and being snide, sarcastic and negative.

More broadly, I have noticed that anyone who leads -- be they heads of nonprofit organizations, elected officers or educators -- often is subject to overwhelming negativity, unfounded accusations, and rudeness.

This has the effect of driving thoughtful people out of public service, thereby leaving us all diminished. The real problems remain unsolved.

All of which is to say that whenever we talk with one another and when given the opportunity for dialogue with our leaders, we would do well to heed the advice my mother gave me: "If you can't think of anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Pause. Reflect. Seek the positive.

My mother never said that every word out of my mouth had to be positive. She just insisted that if I couldn't find anything positive (or nice) to say, I'd best be quiet.

It was good advice then, and it is good advice now. It might be just what we need to raise the level of civility, so that together we more effectively can find solutions to all manner of challenges.

The Rev. Bollin M. Millner Jr. is rector of Grace and Holy Trinity Episcopal Church in Richmond.