Why we feel compelled to give

For all of its conspicuous consumption, America has a firm foundation in generosity, especially during the holiday season.

At a relatively early age, we recognize that it's better to give than to receive. It's not always pretty -- as anyone shopping for Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa gifts knows -- but we are a giving people.

We give big: more than $306 billion to charitable causes in 2007, according to philanthropy researcher Giving USA Foundation.

And we give small: countless little gestures of our gratitude, from kind looks to actual presents.

"It certainly is one of our culturally valued answers," said Everett L. Worthington, a psychology professor at Virginia Commonwealth University who has spent his 31-year career studying positive psychology, when asked why people say giving is better than receiving. "I think this has always been the case.

"A lot of it boils down to structures in our lives. We are structured to respond to certain triggers."

When it comes to giving and receiving, he said, the trigger leads people -- even those among us with a strong sense of entitlement -- to publicly say giving is better.

"Having that belief system makes us more likely to say, 'I'm just going to act in that way,'" he said. "Even if a person feels very entitled and may think it's a stupid, irrelevant question, for them, that at least challenges them."

Kathy Jones, the co-owner of Hunter Lange, a gift and antiques shop in Lakeside, chuckled when asked her preference.

"Oh, it's always better to give," she said.

She's not prone to laughing at strangers. As the proprietor of a small shop, she's more likely to hold in the urge to laugh, lest she drive away a customer. But she couldn't resist with this question.

"What could possibly make you feel better than helping someone else?" she said.

Not much -- especially if it really is done in a selfless manner, said Maureen A. Mathews, a doctoral candidate in psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University who has focused her research on gratitude and indebtedness.

"It doesn't necessarily have to be tit for tat," she said.

While some gifts are clearly designed for effect -- making a production of paying for someone's lunch in front of others, for example -- others are gestures designed more to make the recipient feel good than anything else.

"It gives us interaction," Mathews said. "There's this social expectation that you're supposed to give. There are two sides, and both are equally important. It's good to be able to receive, too, and to do so openly and gracefully.

Getting back can be an important part of the process, said John Hart Sr., a school activist in Petersburg who is president of the citywide PTA.

"If I give a charitable donation, I walk away feeling pretty good because I believe those [who] will receive it will be appreciative," he said.

As he is when he receives something.

"To receive a kiss from my kids on a bad day is a well-received gift, because I have given them all the love that is within me," he said.

Worthington, the author of a number of books that explore inspirational themes, including "Humility: The Quiet Virtue" and "The Power of Forgiveness", knows the theory behind Hart's feeling.

"Interpersonal relations are two-way streets," he said. "There is a mutuality in relationships and there is giving and taking. My father-in-law gave me some wedding-day advice that was priceless. 'Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. Sometimes you'll give 100 and take nothing. At other times, you'll take 100 and have nothing left to give. Love is just giving when needed and taking when needed and not keeping score.'"

You can't help but learn that lesson as you grow older, said Jones, Hunter Lange's co-owner.

"As a child, it's always better to receive," Jones said. "When you reach this stage in life, when you can get yourself whatever you want, it is better to give."

She can't wait until her children come home for the holidays. Her daughter is a law student at Washington and Lee University; her son recently finished a stint in AmeriCorps and is living in Queens.

Jones wouldn't reveal what she was giving to either, but she was quite sure what she was getting out of it: a happy holiday.

"My whole family will be around," she said. "That's the best gift."

Best of all, it's one she can give -- and receive.
Contact Zachary Reid at (804) 775-8179 or .

Staff writer Luz Lazo contributed to this report.