The Constitution According to President Barack Obama

Article I

All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, at least for the sake of appearances. Article II

Section 1

The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America.

Section 2

Woe betide any Person who dare suggest the preceding Section shall be interpreted to mean "the limited Power to carry out the Laws passed by Congress" and not "the unbounded Prerogative to do whastoever the Current Holder of the Executive Office may please."

Section 3

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States.

Any Citizen of the several States who professes by Word or Sign to believe in the concept of armed Citizen-Militias shall be deemed a Far-Right Extremist and potential Terrorist, reported to the Department of Homeland Security, placed on a Watch List, and subjected to Surveillance and Monitoring.

The President shall have the Power to hinder and obstruct Inquiries about federal Surveillance of the Citizenry by invoking the State Secrets Doctrine.

He shall have the Power to forestall Inquires about the State Secrets Doctrine by invoking the Double-Secret, Super-Duper Probation Doctrine.

The President shall have the Power to designate Alleged Enemy Combatants; to order their extraordinary Rendition to torture in Foreign Lands; to appoint Military Commissions and Combatant Status Review Tribunals for the Purpose of finding them Guilty; and to confine them without charge on Military Bases outside the contiguous territory of the Continental United States.

The President shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to appoint Judges of the supreme Court -- providing that same shall demonstrate fidelity to the well-known Empathy Clause elsewhere in this Constitution, and to the equally well-known and even more important Recognize-What-It's-Like-to-Be-a-Teenage-Mom Clause.

Section 4

Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated.

If he deem a Bill politically popular, but Injurious to his Plans and Designs, the President may append to it a Signing Statement identifying those portions of the Bill he intends to Execute according to his Oath, as well as those portions he intends to Ignore as befits his Whim.

Section 5

The President shall have the power to set wages and salaries in the banking industry.

He shall have the Power to Appoint an Automobile Czar to direct the Management of the American automobile Industry.

He shall have the Power to intercede in Bankruptcy proceedings, and to disregard existing Bankruptcy Law by granting unsecured Creditors in major U.S. automobile manufacturers precedence over secured creditors, the better to reward his political cronies in the UAW.

He shall have the Power to threaten secured Creditors that oppose such arrangments with Public Humiliation, by setting the lapdogs of the White House Press Corps upon them.

Section 6

The President shall have the power to distribute Federal Stimulus Money for the purpose of weatherizing the Homes of the Citizens against Leaks and Drafts, that their Domiciles may better ward off the Rayne and Snow, and retain within their Confines the Warmth of their Stoves and Hearths.

He shall have the Power to Decree Carbon-based Sources of Energy an Enemy of the People, and to direct his Agencies and Departments to discourage their Use, by various Incentives and Strategems.

He shall have the Power to reconfigure the nation's Health Care System, because nobody else is smart and wise enough to care for the Sick.

He shall have the Power to Instruct the Citizens as to the Type of Light Bulb that they shall purchase.

He shall have the Power to inform them as to the amount of Salt they should consume at Mealtimes.

He shall have the Power to dictate the average number of Miles per Gallon their Horseless Carriages should Attain, both within their Towns and Villages, and upon the nation's four-lane divided Concourses.

He shall have the Power to stipulate the number of Gallons of Water their Privvies may use to send their Bodily Wastes down to Cloacina.

He shall have the Power to, you know, "spread the wealth around."

He shall have the Power to Direct his Agencies and Commissions to Issue such Edicts and Commandments as may occur to him at diverse Times and Places for the people's Betterment and Own Good.

Section 7

This Document is subject to Change without Notice.

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Contact A. Barton Hinkle at (804) 649-6627 or .