Woody: Flatheads? Hambones? It’s time to get serious

Now that we've gotten the bad nicknames out of the way for Richmond's new baseball team, we can move on to the really good ones.

You know, the ones that dazzle you. The ones that make you say, "Wow. Cool. Different. I like it."

What? Say again? Pardon me? Those were the good nicknames?

The Richmond Flathead Screwdrivers? That's what I think of when I hear flathead. Not catfish.

And even if I did think of a flathead catfish, I'd then think, "Why would anyone think that makes a good nickname for a team? Have you ever seen a flathead catfish?"

Ugh.

The second thing I think of when I hear "Flatheads" is that line from the movie "Roxanne", where Steve Martin, playing a modern-day Cyrano de Bergerac, says to the guy in the bar, "You flat-faced, flat-nosed flathead."

Pretty good movie. Maybe The baseball guys could get Steve Martin for opening night. Or have a Cyrano de Bergerac look-a-like contest.

The Rhinos? The alliteration works, but does a team really want to be named after a propane company?

They can't be thinking of the animal. Not too many rhinos ever roamed these parts, not even in Maymont.

The Flying Squirrels? Not too many of those around here either.

A reader, George Rickman, sent an e-mail that said, "He's a St. Louis Cardinal. He's a Detroit Tiger. He's a Durham Bull. These are acceptable, make sense and are sonorous.

"He's a Richmond Flying Squirrel. I wouldn't say that inane sentence to anyone."

Good point.

Flying Squirrels works if Bullwinkle and Rocky are the mascots. Moose and Squirrel. Boris and Natashe. Fractured Fairy tales. Dudley Do-Right. Bullwinkle saying, "Want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat?"

A lot of us grew up on The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Could be some trademark issues, though.

The Hambones? Paying homage to Virginia ham? Virginia ham needs homage? It's a fine to suggest it. It's ridiculous to take it seriously, especially since there is no Richmond ham.

If you're going to consider Hambones, you might as well add Soupbones. At least that's an archaic baseball reference to a pitcher's throwing arm. "Gotta loosen up the ol' soupbone."

Rock Hoppers has some potential since people do hop from rock to rock in the James River. Can't say it's always a good idea, though.

CNBC is adding a "wild card" to the list today. Yesterday, the network received about 7,000 suggestions in a 12-hour span.

OK, we get it. The new guys want something hip, something distinctive that captures your attention and sells lots of T-shirts and hats.

That's fine. That's perfect, in fact. But none of the finalists meet that description.

What does?

There is an international baseball and softball training organization called the Frozen Ropes.

Now there's a baseball nickname. A frozen rope is a hard-hit line drive. If caught, the fielder rubs his palm to ease the pain. If it is not caught, it's probably good for extra bases.

Kinda like the Ropes.

And, speaking of archaic, how about the Blue Darters?

Dizzy Dean, hall of fame pitcher and broadcaster, coined that phrase decades ago for a sharply hit line drive.

A Blue Darter also is a hawk. Imagine the logo you could make out of that.

The owners of the new team want to make money, and we're all for that. If a new stadium is built, they should be asked to make a significant contribution.

But they can make a lot of money without saddling the city and local baseball fans with a ridiculous nickname.

Contact Paul Woody at (804) 649-6444 or . Follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/World_of_Woody.